Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can text with my tongue
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
