I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize