I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
