Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
