just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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