dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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