Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
