what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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