dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
