I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
