my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
