he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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