Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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