you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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