Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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