I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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