Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
