i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
