So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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