Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You can't motorboat a personality
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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