Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
