Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
