just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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