there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
