my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
