God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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