I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
