My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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