So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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