i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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