I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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