i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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