Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
