Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
