Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize