i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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