Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
