i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
