So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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