Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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