If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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