He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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