you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
