my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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