I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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