Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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