Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize