I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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