I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
