When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
