your parents love me but you hate me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
