Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
