There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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