if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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