Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
