If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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