She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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