I can text with my tongue
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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