The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
