hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
