I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
