Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there's paper in my vomit.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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